From Critic to Encourager: Finding Freedom in Godly Manhood
Overcoming Disqualifying Others: Embracing God's Truth About Yourself and Others
As men striving to grow in Christ, the path can often feel like an uphill climb. We wrestle with our past, the lies we’ve believed about ourselves, and the ongoing struggle against shame and unworthiness. At times, this struggle leads us to disqualify others—and even ourselves. This distorted thinking often masks itself in our desire to measure up or prove something to the world. But what if the key to overcoming this is learning to embrace the truth about who we are in God’s eyes and seeing others through the lens of His love?
The Trap of Disqualifying Others
Ever caught yourself shrugging off a compliment? Someone praises you for your kindness or hard work, and you think, "They’re just being nice," or, "If they really knew me, they wouldn’t say that." Perhaps you’ve noticed a tendency to dismiss the good in others, thinking, "He only succeeded because he got lucky." This habit, known as "disqualifying others," is a cognitive distortion that robs us of joy and gratitude. It keeps us chained to the lie that neither we nor those around us can ever be truly good or worthy.
For those of us walking the road to masculine maturity, this mindset is a sneaky enemy. It springs from deep-rooted fears, shame, and even trauma. It thrives on envy and the internal competition we sometimes feel when we look at others' lives and achievements. By dismissing others, we protect our fragile egos from feeling "less than." And yet, this thinking only builds walls—walls that keep us isolated, bitter, and stunted in our growth as godly men.
How Disqualifying Others Hurts Us
Disqualifying others isn’t just a fleeting thought; it becomes a pattern, shaping our view of the world. It leads to a cycle of negativity, making it nearly impossible to accept genuine praise, develop healthy relationships, or feel the freedom that Christ offers us. Over time, it feeds into depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and relationship problems.
In the pursuit of spiritual maturity, these automatic thoughts act like roadblocks on our journey. We think we’re being humble by not accepting a compliment or by brushing off the successes of others, but in reality, we're allowing pride to take the wheel. The pride of needing to be the best. The pride of not letting anyone in. The pride of thinking we know better than God’s truth about who we are.
Recognizing the Lie
The first step toward freedom is recognizing the distortion. These thoughts happen quickly, almost effortlessly, often triggered by fear, sadness, or shame. Practice catching these thoughts as they arise. It’s as simple as saying to yourself, "I'm disqualifying someone again." Acknowledging the pattern breaks its power over you.
Embracing the Positive
Scripture is clear about the importance of building each other up: "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We are called to see and speak the good in ourselves and others, reflecting the grace God has shown us.
If you struggle to accept compliments, start by writing down the positive things people say about you. Reflect on them and practice simply saying "thank you" when someone offers praise. This small act of gratitude opens the door to believing that you are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
Likewise, practice noticing and affirming the strengths in others. Complimenting others doesn't make you lesser; it builds a bridge of connection and shows that you’re secure in who you are. It shifts the focus from competition to community.
Weighing the Costs
Consider the costs of holding onto this mindset. How has disqualifying others affected your relationships, your self-esteem, or your spiritual growth? Now imagine the benefits of change. How might your life improve if you accepted the good in others and allowed God’s truth to penetrate your heart?
Renewing Your Mind
Romans 12:2 encourages us, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Renewing your mind involves evaluating your thoughts in light of God’s Word. The next time you catch yourself disqualifying others, pause and ask:
- What would I say to a friend who was thinking this way?
- Is there any real evidence to support this negative thought?
- How might this thinking be unhelpful or even false?
- What is a more gracious, Christ-centered way of seeing this situation?
Reflection Questions
1. How have you noticed the habit of disqualifying others or yourself showing up in your life?
2. What fears or insecurities do you think fuel this pattern of thinking?
3. How does dismissing compliments or positive things in others affect your relationships and your sense of self-worth?
4. What would it look like for you to embrace and speak God’s truth about who you are?
5. How can you start to build others up in a way that aligns with the freedom and grace you’ve received in Christ?
Scripture to Meditate On: "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Let's embrace the truth of who we are in Christ and the unique strengths of those around us. When we disqualify others, we disqualify ourselves from the joy and freedom God desires for us. Let's build each other up, trusting that God is at work in every one of us.